I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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