apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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