What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
