I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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