He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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