I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
