i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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