It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Me too!
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
