someone get that fucking seahorse.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
