if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
