Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
