Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
