my phone needs a breathalizer
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I'm getting married
To pizza
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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