if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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