I'm gonna have a badass scar
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
