I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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