We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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