hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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