Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
