at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
