His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
