If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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