Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
