My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Randomize
