You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
God, I missed his penis.
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