You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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