Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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