What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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