It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
farters have to be the big spoon...
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
