just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Dick very happy bro
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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