Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
