I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
