Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
