i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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