there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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