alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Watching her eat just hurts me
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
