you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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