I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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