Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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