if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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