i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
