Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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