i love accidental penises.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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