were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
