oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Randomize
