you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
