I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
