and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Welp...herpes.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
This baby is an asshole
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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