pedialite and red bull = repair kit
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
His hands were made for my vagina.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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