Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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