i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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