i just snorted my name. best moment ever
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize