I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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