I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Randomize
