I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
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