You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
True strength comes from lack of pants
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
