So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
