Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Randomize
